


The Ward

by weezr



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Mormonism, gayyyss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 22:05:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17516693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weezr/pseuds/weezr
Summary: hello this is my the office but mormon script. this is a work in progress! been working on this One episode since august. honest feedback is always appreciated! please.. go at it





	The Ward

    (Conference room: elders are talking among themselves. Elder Hayes stands at the front of the room, with his hands clasped together. He claps to get the elders’ attention.)

ELDER HAYES: Alright, elders! We have two whole new elders joining us today! Elder Carson and Elder Neilson, we are glad to have you! I’m sure the others will welcome you. We are a bigger branch, so there’s plenty of us to go around. Why don’t we introduce each other?

    (The elders introduce themselves to the new elders.)

ELDER HAYES: As my veteran missionaries know, we do something special today! Today is (Elder Hayes points to Elder Smith and Elder Smith begins to give a very bad drumroll with two pencils.) APT day!

    (Elders groan in unison.)

ELDER CARSON (raising his hand) What is a.. An APT?

ELDER NEILSON (pensively): I wasn’t told of a test, Elder.

ELDER HAYES (chuckling): Oh, no! This isn’t a test. APT stands for Annual Pep Talk! Alright, so, we all know I’m the best at giving APT’s, right? (camera spans around the room to show a group of disagreeing elders.) It is a wonderfully cold January first, and exactly one year ago today, I was made the head of the ward! It has been a WILD ride! But, with the Lord at my side and my friends around me, I made it out alive. And I couldn’t be happier. You are very dear to my heart- every single one of you. And! And, I know we can do this! We have a record of (dramatic pause) zero baptisms, but I know this year will be different. I KNOW we can do this, guys! 

(An elder somewhere in the back yells a request that the meeting be over.) 

ELDER HAYES: The mysterious voice has spoken! But, first, why don’t we give our new pals some applause?

    (Scattered applause.)

ELDER HAYES: And, on that note, the meeting is adjourned! I bid you adrieu!  
    (Elder Hayes horribly mispronounces ‘adieu’)

    (End scene. Cut to interview room. All of the elders except Elder Hayes is in the room.)

CAMERA MAN: So, how would you describe Elder Hayes?

    (The elders look at each other awkwardly. Elder Ryan shifts in his seat.)

ELDER RYAN: Well, he’s pretty.. you know.. (raises eyebrows.)

    (The elders snicker.)

CAMERA MAN: What do you think of the uh- APT’s? 

ELDER JOHNSON: I hate them, and I think I speak for everyone here. They aren’t even annual, you know? He does them like-

ELDER WAGNER: Every week.

ELDER CARTER: Try every other day.

    (The elders sigh.)

ELDER NEILSON: I dunno, I kinda liked it. He seems very neato! 

    (The elders look at Elder Neilson. Elder Neilson shrinks into his seat.)

CAMERA MAN: Do you guys like being missionaries? What’s the best part?

ELDER JOHNSON: Well, yeah. Of course, you know? Who doesn’t? I mean, it’s great to be myself and spread the Word. My other ward had like 2 baptisms, but we have… what... zero? So, that sucks, but it’s whatever. As long as I get to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do, I’ll be okay.     

(Elder Hayes yells for the elders to hurry up. Elders sigh. Cut scene to living room, where Elder Smith and Elder Ryan sit across from Elders Neilson and Carson.)

ELDER SMITH: So, you guys got any pretty girls waitin’ on ya’ll? 

ELDER CARSON: Her name is Kelsea. She’s got the prettiest blue eyes, dude. Blue is her color. She’s the best. Once, she brought me a plate of-

ELDER SMITH: Cool. What about you, Elder Neilson?

ELDER NEILSON: Yeah! I got a girl..s.

ELDER SMITH: Woah! Plural! What’s she like, then?

ELDER NEILSON: She’s- she’s uhm. Uh, she’s got real pretty hair. She smells real nice, too. She’s got eyes, and-  
    (Elder Smith pats Elder Neilson’s knee, and stands up.)

ELDER SMITH: Right. Okay, guys! Why don’t ya’ll get out there ‘n find us some investigators! 

ELDER RYAN: Happy hunting!

(Elder Carson looks to Elder Neilson. Elder Smith and Elder Ryan leave.)

ELDER CARSON: So, ready to rest up?

ELDER NEILSON: Rest up? Are you kidding?

ELDER CARSON: No? Sleep is not a laughing matter, elder! Jet lag exists.. I wanna sleep.

ELDER NEILSON (shocked): We only came here from Provo! Not the other side of the world. Let’s go! We have so many houses we have to get to. I thought you were better than that!

    (end scene. Cut to the elders walking along a road, and they stop in front of a house that looks very shady. Rap music plays from inside very loudly. Elder Neilson stops abruptly in front of the house.)

ELDER CARSON: Hey, elder, why don’t we keep moving. 

ELDER NEILSON (walking up to the door and knocking): Why’s that? I have a good feeling about this one. 

    (Elder Carson stays still in the street, grimacing.)

ELDER CARSON: Well, elder, I really think this is a bad idea. I mean, look at the house…

ELDER NEILSON: What are you? A coward? Have you no shame? This is our job!

    (Elder Carson follows his companion, and Elder Neilson knocks again. Big burly dude comes out. Looks really fishy. Gold cross swings around the dude’s neck. He’s real shady. Meeggaa shady. Probably stinks, too.) 

ELDER NEILSON: Hi! Would you like to listen about o-

BIG BURLY STINKY MAN: I’m Catholic. 

ELDER NEILSON: Cool! We’re members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (laughs) I know, it’s a mouth full! Have you heard of it before?

BIG BURLY STINKY MAN: You’re them mormen, yeah?

ELDER CARSON: Well, yeah, I guess. If you let us come in, we could tell you more about our church?  
BIG BURLY STINKY DUDE (pensively): Well, make it quick. 

    (Big burly stinky dude opens the door, and smoke instantly hits the elders. They grimace. Big Dude smiles. Inside, people are seen playing cards, a pile of cash in the middle of the table they sit at. The house is absolutely trashed. I’m talking worse than a frat house after a Halloween party. The elders cautiously sit down on the tattered couch, knocking a few dirty syringes to the floor.) 

ELDER NEILSON: What did you say your name was? 

BIG BURLY STINKY DUDE: I didn’t.

ELDER CARSON: Right, well. Okay, well, I’m Elder Carson, and my companion is Elder Neilson. Our church is the restored church of Jesus Christ, and-

BIG BURLY STINKY DUDE: D’yall worship that John guy?

    (The elders exchange looks.)

ELDER CARSON: Um, no. That’s just a misconception. His name was Joseph Smith, and he restored the church, after being told by God the Father and Jesus. Make sense? 

BIG BURLY STINKY DUDE: Sure.

    (Cut scene to the elders excitedly talking with the other elders back in the apartment. Elder Hayes is in the shower. ‘What Is Love’ can be heard, badly sung.)

ELDER SMITH: So, how’d it go? Did you place your first Book of Mormon?

ELDER RYAN: What was it like? The first time’s different for everyone.

ELDER JOHNSON: Did you have fun?

ELDER NEILSON: Oh! Yes! I gave him a copy. I think he was pretty interested. 

    (Cut scene to Big Burly Stinky Dude being interviewed.)

BIG BURLY STINKY DUDE: Oh, no, I’m not interested in no cult. 

(Cut scene back to elders talking.)

ELDER CARSON: Honestly? I think I got a little high. It just- oof. Second hand smoking who? 

    (The elders laugh among themselves.)

ELDER WAGNER: So, Elder Carson got a little taller, huh?

    (They laugh even more. Suddenly, Elder Hayes bursts out of the bathroom, his clothes sloppily put on. He’s still sopping wet. You can see straight through his white button up shirt.) 

ELDER HAYES: You got HIGH on your MISSION?

ELDER CARSON: Elder, it was a-

ELDER HAYES: Conference room, NOW!

    (Elder Hayes is very angry. The elders walk to the cramped ‘conference room’ and sit down. Elder Hayes sets up the tablet to a small television, and a picture of T-bone steak is shown.)

ELDER HAYES: This is your lungs after smoking just one devil’s lettuce roll, okay? Are we capiche? Drugs are bad! We learn this stuff in primary! C’mon! Elders, I am entirely too disappointed in ya’ll. Everyone, close your eyes. When I tell you too, raise your right hand if you have thought about touching a drug, and raise your left hand if you have ever done a drug. This includes mariajauajuana.(Elder Hayes purposefully butchers the name) ...And… Now!

    (All the elders raise their right hand, except for Elder Neilson, who raises his left hand.) 

ELDER HAYES: Everyone except Elder Neilson and Elder Carson leave this room.

    (They leave.)

ELDER HAYES: Elder, I am very disappointed. You’ve done… drugs, Elder Neilson?

ELDER NEILSON (extremely worried): What? No! I’m a band geek- I don’t even have a life! Why would I-

ELDER HAYES: You raised your left hand, though.

ELDER CARSON: To be fair, he gets his rights and lefts mixed up.

ELDER HAYES (to Elder Carson): You don’t get to say anything. You lied. You just said you got high, on your mission might I add, not too long ago. Yet, I didn’t see you raise your left hand. Care to explain?

ELDER CARSON: Elder, I was making a bad attempt at a joke. I did not get high on my mission. In highschool, maybe, but I’d never. 

ELDER HAYES: Maybe so. Get back out there, Elders. You’ve got lives to save. I’ll be keeping my eyes on you, though. Yeah, that’s right, I said eyes. Plural. Don’t underestimate my power, elders!

*END EPISODE*


End file.
